Resilience: A Definition-able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions; able to spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or being compressed. Thanks to Oxford Languages for the definition of resilience.
Are you resilient? Did you learn to walk, talk, eat without making a mess, and become a higher functioning member of society? If yes, then, you are resilient. Are you still trying to walk without falling? Talk to be understood and listened to? And are you practicing getting food to your mouth, and only your mouth, experiencing the taste and texture of the food, as opposed to spilling it all over your shirt? You are practicing resilience. Congratulations for being successful, even if you haven’t reached your goals, yet. You keep on trying and that’s what builds the resilience in your life.
Yoga is a great example of resilience. If you’ve never done a yoga class, either in person or from a screen, go now! The thing with yoga is that everyone starts at the most basic level. Every class I’ve ever attended or watched there is always coaching from the instructor for different levels of abilities to meet the pose. Yoga is a lovely example of go-at-your-own-pace (or stretch as deep as you can) with encouragement to breath deeper and fold further into the pose or stretch.
Isn’t life a lot like that? We reach one goal and if we focus a little more, breath a few more deep breaths, and stretch out our arms and legs, we get further ahead with each attempt, to reach the next goal. I know, I know, no one likes failures or setbacks, and yet, like a bow and arrow, reaching back helps us propel forward. As long as we are learning the lessons, aka awareness, working through the pains incurred from stretching, aka self-care, and focusing forward, aka eyes on the prize, we will be successful in creating a life worth living.
An Example: Here I am, x years old, and I would say I am pretty resilient. I was participating in my mastermind group and the aha! moment came when I realized that in some form each of us in this group have all experienced loss, grief, joy, hard work for successful careers, raised families, made friends, lost friends, had loves and lovers and lost them and got new ones, changed careers and started over, got more education, had conflicts and found resolutions, dealt with health or disease issues, and we are still working on all of those life experiences.
It was a consensus of the mastermind group to realize that although unpleasant things still occur in our lives, we have tools to deal with the hard things and solutions to the problems that arise. For instance, one of the participants had serious physical health issues, and, with her daughter, she decided to move in with her and her husband. The plan was to expand the daughter’s house for a mother-in-law wing.
In the meantime, as this group member was regaining her health and strength, she wanted to participate in house work, meal planning and cooking, and make decisions on the house’s expansion, however, it ended up being in conflict with the needs and desires of her daughter and son-in-law. As she got stronger and her confidence in herself and abilities returned, contrary to the physician’s predictions, she decided to return to home ownership for herself. She is now unpacking, although, at a different pace than what she was previously used to, and she is experiencing patience with herself for it.
There were some hard conversations that happened for her to move away from a decision that her daughter and her had made and agreed on, and it worked out better for everyone in the end. There were financial, physical, and emotional issues to work through and they did them with maturity, aka minimal drama, and empathy. Turns out this was an example of the resilience that each person had acquired over the years and put into practice in a challenging situation to come to a mutually comfortable and agreeable solution for everyone involved.
Encouragement: I want to congratulate you again on the accumulated failures and repeated try-agains you have all experienced. In the moments of difficulties, it can seem insurmountable and hopeless to find a resolution. In the end with your courage and determination and persistence and open mindedness for a solution you have excelled in growing your personal resistance. Not only did you grow, but everyone around you was a winner if they were in the least bit observant and appreciative of the vicarious learning.
Be on the lookout for the places you are using your resilience tools. I recently had to let go of my need to be right regarding fellow drivers who insist on passing on the right side with a lane narrowing. Instead of slowing down and getting behind the drivers in the lane to the left of them they speed up or drift over without a signal. What happened? Instead of being a multiple time/day occurrence it is now a rarity that a reckless driver cuts off my flow by cutting into my lane with short or no notice. I continue to drive defensively, and with less anger or resentment.
When a difficult transaction is escalating, I have the inner calm to mentally and physically step back, assess the situation, come up with possible solutions, and communicate those potential problem-solving ideas to all of the parties involved. In the past we all would have loudly expressed our opinions, threw out blaming remarks, and stewed in the pot of negativity until someone relented and ended up with lifelong resentments and disgust.
Resilience is a constant condition of learning, adapting, and practice of flexibility. I commend those of you reading to the end and realizing that each morning is a clean slate for opportunities to become an investment in your resilience bank account. Each new or different challenge will be met with easier, faster, smoother solutions ending in happier fuller lives. You can do hard things. Deep breath in, deep breath out, you’ve got this!
Lori Zurcher