Relationships: Is there anything harder to navigate, or more rewarding when they work?

I’ve had quite a few relationships in my years of living. All good learning, some highly rewarding, others meh, and still others contentious and good riddance!

I believe the good relationships are summed up in three “C” verbs: Communication, Compassion, and Compromise. Each “C” verb requires a minimum of two people (noun) willing to take the actions (verbs) to make a rewarding result of a mutually satisfactory relationship (object). Is this simple, yes, easy, not always, and that depends on the willingness of both parties, and depending if it’s intended to be long term or a one and done, to make the relationship dynamic, a living entity that changes with the ebbs and flows of living.

A quote that has stuck with me is, “Nothing is permanent except change” Heraclitus, and to follow that:

"I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better." — Georg C. Lichtenberg

The first step to begin any relationship is communication. Wisdom and Intuition inside of communication are key to the longer lasting relationships. There are multiple forms of communication that we humans use to connect with others. The first one we use is body language, sending signals before we make any noise is a blaring indicator, and usually without sound, of the willingness to communicate, or to not communicate. There are lots of books and life or work coaches that will teach you the subtleties of body language.

Some other methods include speaking with our voices-and with that a plethora of nuances to indicate the type of relationship we are going for, and includes directly speaking to a person (s), calling them on the phone (yes, that is still a thing the phone is used for), and asking someone else to convey a message. More forms of communication include texting, emailing, and the written word delivered snail mail. All of these are excellent tools, that if used with care translate into meaningful communication. Yet, there’s nothing quite so impactful as eye-to-eye, belly-to-belly (not touching, just in the vicinity) listening and reading all of the body language, tone, words, to get the total meaning out of a conversation.

Compassion is the second ‘C’ key factor in relationships with other humans. Compassion in its true definition means to suffer together. The word compassion is truly an action word because it connotes a moving toward another person to help them. Being a human, we likely have or have had similar experiences that bind us. I think a huge component of compassion is the skill and ability to listen, to be mindful of all of the cues of the interaction. Without that ability to listen we miss the cues that move us toward a meaningful relationship. Here is where the wisdom and intuition come into practice. Regardless, if we personally have experienced compassion or we want to express compassion, it is in practice of compassion that we utilize intuition and listening to move forward with the relationship, or decide not to pursue further involvement.

The third ‘C’ key to building lasting relationships is compromise. The mutual, but not necessarily even, give and take in relationships gives it character and my favorite metric of having skin in the game. Without the give and take, the compromises and suffering of giving up having it be all about me, there’s a yield with far greater results in satisfaction and long-lasting relationships. This can apply to short term relationships, too. Not all relationships are meant to be forever. I like the phrase that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or an eon (I had to rhyme with season and reason, didn’t I?).

There are few things that irk me more than when a conflict, or a potential conflict, occurs and the other party in the relationship starts making up stories about how I’ll react or what I’ll say and do. You may know me well, and you may have seen consistent and predictable reactions from me, however, that doesn’t mean I will have a predictable response to the current issue. If you approach anyone with a potential volatile issue, it’s important to remember the Golden rule and the Platinum Rule. How would you like to be treated in a similar situation and more importantly how would the other person like to be treated?

My relationship with my partner, Terry, has been going on for 15 years now! I credit him with excellent communication, compassion, and compromise. There are times when we get on each other’s last nerve, and still need to discuss some important details of our daily lives since we work together, too.

Terry is usually pretty good about communication; he’s always talking, and sometimes he says things that just fall out of his mouth. Because his heart (compassion) is in the right place he says things with loving care. That also works well for when he texts me a quick line that might usually be taken sideways, but because I know him well, I know he means it in the best of light. And he wants the best outcomes for both of us so I can count on him having a plan.

The other day Terry texted: “Tom wants us to meet for lunch on Tuesday” knowing that I have a standing meeting on Tuesdays and I have not had the best of experiences with Tom, he could expect a storm of rebuttals in return, or I could come back with and “if lunch, then ice cream for a treat later”. Turns out Tom wants to hire us and it’s a win-win for the ice cream treat later for both of us to celebrate. If I’d gone in with confrontation it would have shadowed his time with Tom to have to explain (or lie away my discomfort with him) and then leave the meeting with questioning feelings on both sides. Instead, we had a delicious meal, a profitable meeting, and future good will.

It's a lifelong learning process with relationships. Communication, compassion, and compromise combined with intuition and wisdom really do lead to more satisfying living. Let me know what your stories are with relationships and the three Cs.

Lori Zurcher